Well I have erased a few of my journals because from an outside perspective maybe I was too harsh and therefor let my passions get away from me.

Well it will soon enough be my birthday again...and Poppie's one year death anniversary. I am not really looking forward to that but I have no control over time. So I will suck it up and remember that he is in a better place than I am.

I am happy with my life again and I am hopeful for my future.

I admit I had a brief bit of hope that my ex best friend and I would be able to reconcile. But I have to say that it looks impossible. See her husband went on a tangent about how he couldn't stand the fact that a friend of his was not able to talk to him because it angered her husband...that sounds smack on for what he did to his own wife but who am I to judge. So I am not judging. I did ask him a long while ago if it was possible that he had cooled down and would not keep to the threat of divorcing her if she were friends with me. I found out that the only reason he wants to keep us apart is because he disaproves of my fiance.

I just dont see why that should be truly. Yes my fiance is quite a stint older than I am. But, he doesn't see what my man does do for me. He takes care of me, he encourages me, he loves me, he teaches me, he worries about me, and he respects me. Isn't that what all women want in a man? Not to mention that he is completely devoted to us. He wouldn't ever cheat on me, hit me, or hurt me if he can help it.

So her choice was me or him. Of course she chose him, that was never an issue. I even encouraged her to do so. But I gathered that my choice was her or my fiance...that is a no brainer for me. I love her like a sister dearly. But she isn't my lover, my protector, and in no way would I ever like her to BE that. She was my best friend.

So I guess it really is no longer a friendship, because how can you be friends with someone you never get to talk to. Not even a friendly hello between us in at least a year I think.

I have examined how I felt about her since I have let the feelings go. I finally figured it out. The reason I clung to her so hard as my friend was because she truly was the first friend I ever had. I had people I knew, people I talked to, but nobody who truly was my FRIEND you know? So I childishly hung on hoping that it would work out because it has been my experience that those I care for go away. I have issues with being alone. My doctor has said it himself. I guess I was alone too many times when I was a child. My dad still gets angry when he remembers me cooking my own supper when I was ten while my mom was at work and I was alone at home. Of course I still dare not tell him that it had been going on for at least a year.

Yet as I get older I find that I crave my silence more and more. I could live just fine with a few good books and some light to read by. Thats when I am the happiest you know. My mom and my grandma still think to ask me how my best friend is, and I am forced to remind them that I am no longer allowed contact with her on threat of the police. Though how I can get into trouble saying hi I don't quite know.

In any case I think I am truly done. I have worked hard on letting go and I think I almost have it. I still look at a picture of when we were in high school and smile because I was happy. But life changes and so do we. But for the most part I try not to think about her. It still twinges the heart string. But that doesn't mean that I have FORGOTTEN her, nor will I. I just need to put those memories in a box and stuff them in my attic. I think I will keep one memory out though. I will never forget when she got drunk as hell on Strawberry Vodka at my house and was sicker than a dog the next morning! Still she got over Chad.

Well its late and I have a book calling my name for me. So until later.

V.M.L.C